JEW JOKES
OLD - NEW
How do you start a Jewish Marathon?
Roll a Penny down a Hill.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He couldn't pay the Gas Bill.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen Bug?
You can fit 30. 4 on the seats and 26 in the Ashtray.
What's the difference between a Pepperoni Pizza and a Jew?
Pepperoni Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the Oven.
How do you scare a Jew?
Turn on the oven.
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q. What is the difference between an Italian grandmother and a Jewish grandmother?
A. One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
Q. Why is money green?
A. Jews pick it before its ripe
Q. How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A. A long, long time ago, a Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Many years ago, two Jews found the same penny.
Q. What's a jew's idea of Christmas?
A. Parking meters on the roof.
Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?"
What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Canoes tip
What's the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back
What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew
Who is the greatest Jewish cook ever?
Hitler
BLACK JOKES
Why is there cotton on the top of Tylenol?
To remind blacks that they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
Why don't Sharks eat Black folks?
They think it's whale shit.
What happens when you stick your hand into a bag of jellybeans?
The black one steals your Rolex
What did God say when another black baby was born?
OOPS! Burnt another one.
Why don't you run over a black guys bike?
Because it might be yours!
Have you ever heard of Ku Klux Kanieval?
He tried to jump 50 blacks with a steam roller.
What are three things you can't give a black guy?
A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.
What do u call two black guys laying down on the street?
Skid marks
What do u call a school bus full of black kids?
A rotten banana
What do you call 2 blacks in a sleeping bag?
Twix.
Why do racists carry chainsaws?
Because they go run nigga nigga nigga nigga
What's long black and smells like cologne?
The unemployment line
What do you say to a black man in a three-peice suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."
What did the Trix rabbit say to the black man when he asked for money?
Silly nigger, money's for white people.
What's positive about Africans?
HIV
What do you call a black prostitute, with braces that is about to give you head?
A black 'n' decker pecker wrecker
What's the difference between a working black man and big foot?
People have seen big foot.
Did you hear about that black guy they found on the bottom of that river in Arkansas with 200 bullet holes in him...the local sheriff called it the worst case of suicide he had ever seen in his life.
Did you hear about that black guy they found on the bottom of that river in Arkansas with 300lbs of chains wrapped around him...the local sheriff said, "just like a goddamn black guy, stole more chains than he could swim with"
How do u see a black man at night?
Make them Smile!
Two black guys walk into a bar and they see a white guy in a Klan hat and he says, "no blacks allowed." The black guys say, "didn't you ever hear of the Emancipation Proclamation?" The guy in the klan hat says, "no, I don't listen to hip hop."
How do you stop 10 black guys from fighting?
Throw them a basketball.
A black kid is so depressed at his color that he whitewashes himself to see what it's like. He walks in to show his mom and gets a smack round the ear for his trouble. Hurt but determined he goes to see his dad and show him, and gets the beating of his life. After fleeing the house he sits on a park bench, crying. An old lady comes over and asks, "What's the matter sonny?" The kid replies, "I've only been white for half an hour and I hate those black bastards already!"
What do you get when you throw a basketball into a slave ship sailing across the world? Harlem Globetrotters
What do you call a black abortion center?
Crime-stoppers of America
Why do blacks wear white gloves when eating candy?
So they do not bite their finger off when eating a Tootsie Roll.
Why did God give black men big cocks?
As a way of saying I am sorry for putting pubic hair on their heads.
What do you call 2 black guys on a bike?
Organized Crime
What do you call the black Toys R Us?
We Be Toys
Why did so many Blacks die in the war?
Cause when the colonel yelled "Get down!" they all got up and started dancing.
How do you keep a black from stealing anything in your store?
Put a 'Helped Wanted' sign in the window
What do you call 10,000 black guys running down the mountain?
Jailbreak
What is it called when a white cop shoots a black man?
He had a gun.
What is it called when a white guy pushes a black guy down the stairs?
He fell.
WHITE JOKES
What's 12 inches long, hard and white?
Nothing, it only comes in black
What do you call a bunch of white people in a bus?
Twinkie
Why can't white men jump?
The gel in their hair holds them down.
What do you call a white guy with no legs?
A U.S. veteran
Why come so many white people died on the Titanic?
They don't know how to pray.
Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.
What does a bird has that a white girl don't?
A breast.
What's the flattest surface you ever ironed your jeans on?
A white girl's ass.
What did the black guy do with his M&Ms?
Eat them
What did they white guy try and do with his?
Put them in alphabetical order
Why did the white guy call me?
To get my phone number.
What did the white guy put on his job application where it said sign here?
Sagittarius
What would you call 200 white guys chasing a black guy in the olden days? Runaway slave
What would you call it today? PGA Tour
What do you call a white guy in a classroom?
Absent
What is "Genitalia", according to white people?
An Italian airline.
HISPANIC JOKES
What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.
How do you starve a Mexican?
Put his food stamps under his work boots.
How do you get a Mexican outta your house?
Throw a quarter out
How do you find the fastest man in Mexico?
Roll a quarter down the hill.
Why do cars in Mexico have such small wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs
Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?
So they can pick strawberries faster
What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip
Why don't Puerto Ricans have a long history of literature?
Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949
How many Mexicans does it take to roof a house?
8 if you slice them thin enough.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a pothole?
You swerve to miss the pothole
How do u start a Mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead Mexican lying in the middle of the street?
The dog has brake marks in front of it.
Why do Mexicans put shit on the wall at their weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride
Why do Mexicans paint their trashcans red and yellow?
So their kids think they're eating at McDonalds
Why do Mexicans have big noses?
So they have something to pick in the winter
Why don?t Mexicans barbecue?
Because the beans keep falling through the grill
What is the best way to circumcise a Mexican?
Kick his sister in the jaw
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of Mexican people running down a hill?
A jailbreak
Why does Mexico suck at the Olympics?
Because every Mexican that can run, jump, or swim are all over here.
ASIAN JOKES
What do you call a fat Chinese guy?
A Chunk.
How do you blindfold a Chinese person?
With dental floss
How do you blind an Asian?
Put a steering wheel in front of him
How do you know if a Chinese person has robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.
How do Chinese people decide on a name for their child?
They throw a bunch of pots and pans down the stairs
What do you get when a Chinese person and a black person have a kid?
A felon who cant drive
What do you call a drive bye in Chinatown?
A Cappachino
What do you call it when a Chinese guy was shot at Starbucks?
Cappachino
Why do Asians always have a whole bunch of mousetraps set up around their house?
Cuz that's how they get their dinner.
What do you name a retarded Asian?
Som Ting Wong
POLLOCK JOKES
How did Germany take over Poland?
They marched in backwards and Poland thought they were leaving.
How do you sink a Pollock submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So the Pollocks couldn't make corner shops
How do you get a one arm Pollack out of a tree?
Wave.
What is the anatomy of a Polish tank?
One speed forward, two speeds backward.
What happened to the Pollock's snow tires?
They melted
How does a Pollock steal a bike?
Picks it up and runs.
DOUBLE THE FUN
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car, who's driving?
The policeman.
Why do you throw a rock at a Mexican on a bike?
To get your bike back
Why do you throw a rock at a black guy on a bike?
To get your slave back
There is an apartment building with 3 floors, on the first floor, an Indian family, on the second floor, a black family, and on the third floor a white family. At 2 PM, the building burns to the ground, which family survives?
The white, because the parents are at work and the kids are at school.
A white American, a black American, a white Canadian, and a white European are all riding horses out in the desert. The Canadian takes out a bottle of wine, and says, "In my country, ey, the wine is plentiful and the bottles are cheap." He then takes the bottle, stands it up on a cactus and shoots it. So the European takes out a bottle of bourbon, drinks it up, and says, "In my country, the liquor is plentiful and the bottles are cheap," and he then stands it up on a cactus and shoots it. The white American then takes out a can of beer, drinks it up, puts it in his saddlebag and shoots the black guy and the Canadian guy. He nods to the horrified European guy and says, "obviously you don't know this, but where I come from blacks and Canadians are plentiful but cans are worth something"
A magic fairy greets all an American, An African American, and a Mexican. She says because there is three of them, they each get one wish. So the Black guy says, "I wish that all African Americans would be returned to Africa where they can live happily in their own country." And the Fairy instantly makes it true. Then the Mexican says, " I wish that all the Mexicans in America would be returned to their homeland of Mexico where they can live good, happy lives." With a wave of her wand the fairy makes it true instantly. Then she asks the American what he wants, and he says, "All the Africans are back in Africa?" And the Fairy replies, "Yes." And he says, "and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico?" and the Fairy says yes again. "OK," says the American, "I'll just have a Coke."
A Paki and a Black guy jump from a cliff at the same time who wins?
Society
What language does Jewish homo speak?
Heblew
How do you know you have a queer Jew?
He likes money more than girls.
